1. On a
typical, blustery January afternoon, I walked into the Riverview cemetery,
white roses in hand.
2. I
felt the snow compact and crunch under my heavy boots as I walked to find her.
3. As
often as I visited, it always took me quite a length of time to find her grave.
4. She
had a simple plot-simplicity was her specialty.
5. I
remembered her classic outfit, a plain white t-shit with her worn in blue jeans
and the way her honey blonde hair was always worn in a hair tie.
6. Her
gentle smile always lit up a room.
7. I
walked row on row until I found it: a modest small, rounded tombstone.
8. It
read “Kari-Ann Johnson- forever in our hearts, October 3rd 1994 –
October 4th 2012”.
9. I
dropped into the cold snow, knees first and rested the roses in it, white on
white.
10. I
gently brushed off her stone and as always my mind drifted to that night.
11. Her
birthday- October 3rd was a crisp, autumn night.
12. I
stood in her doorway while she ran around crazed about the excitement of the
night ahead.
13.
“Come on Johnny,” She giggled with excitement. “Be excited with me!”
14. “I
just don’t see what the big deal is Kari, it’s just a club.” I said shrugging
with displeasure.
15. When
we entered the club, she became a whole other person.
16. Every
song became her favorite song, she had the confidence to speak to everyone and
it seemed as though the alcohol wasn’t fazing her.
17. It
was around midnight when I finally convinced her to leave.
18. The
room was spinning as though I had just got off a carnival ride and I could
barely hold my own weight as Kari-Ann set me into the car.
19. The
cold now had begun seeping into my jean sending a shiver up my back and snapping
me back into reality.
20. My
memories always skip over leaving the parking lot.
21. Why
want I watching her? Why didn't I take better care or myself that night? Why didn't I make her call a cab? Why did she seem alright to drive?
22. The
next thing I remember was the smell of the car.
23. It
smelt of her sweet, vanilla perfume.
24. I
could taste the stale cigarettes on my tongue.
25. “Come
on Eileen” blasted while I watched her-careless and beautiful, the car filled with
our laughter.
26. The
next part happened so quickly. People in accidents always say that but it’s the
truth.
27. One
moment you’re dancing in the car with your best friend and the next you’re
lying on the side of the road, bloodied and confused.
28. I
don’t remember seeing what happened exactly but the police told me that she ran
a stop sign and t-boned an on-coming car.
29. All
I ever see when I think about the accident is her face, so full of life, fly
and hit the steering wheel and be pulled up full of blood-lifeless.
30. The
doctors, my family and all of Kari-Ann and my friends say that I’m lucky to be
alive, lucky I was wearing a seat belt-lucky.
31. I
don’t consider myself lucky having to live without my best friend especially
when I’m part of the reason she’s not here.
32. The
guilt weighs me down like rocks on my chest, pinning me to the past.
33. I
should have stopped her, should have stopped myself. I cannot help but feel
responsible for her death.
34. Responsibility
is one hell of a thing; no matter the situation our actions always come back to
us so we can deal with the repercussions.
35. It
is up to us to choose how we take responsibility for our actions.
36. I
know I cant go back and change what happened, but I know I can move forward and
spread my message and hers.
37. This
can happened to anybody.
38. Hasty
decisions get the best of us and we do things we regret, but when we make a
positive out of a negative-well, that’s what shows our strength.
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